Written by J.N.
Seizing the opportunity offered by the celebration of his “electoral victory” our beloved President has announced in a “press conference” that took place integrally at the virtual social platform Twitter, new and necessary measures for the country.
After a brief introduction, composed mainly of witty and eloquent insults directed at both supporters and detractors, Potus’ sharp intelligence has dictated new rules to apply and ensure that America remains “great”:
Xenophonia’s abolition
The President has declared the whole nation racism free. Therefore, any xenophobia accusation referred to a U.S. citizen will be considered as an act of terrorism.
American Denomination recovery
President Trump has demanded every “foreign population” to stop using the “American brand”.
“There is only ONE America!” –tweeted the President – “ANYONE who dares to claim our name will be exposed to military retaliation”
The rest of the continent must conceive an original denomination for their countries and stop plagiarism and identity theft right now.
Gay Pride
Citizens are all equal in the United States. Gay Pride will stop celebrating our differences and be replaced by the American Pride.
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
«The flag that represents us only has TWO COLORS in its stripes»
Canada
Mr. Trump has magnanimously offered the neighbour Canada state status. Canada would acquire the 51st star as long as they repudiate French and give up its use forever.
Family
In his classic defense of family values, he attacked his predecessors in Office for almost causing its extinction exercising the policy of denial.
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
“FAMILY is the root of the U.S. Because of immigration, many FAMILIES are torn apart when a member settles in the United States due to economic necessity. It breaks my heart! «
Through this brief preamble, the leader of “the Land of the free” presented a measure by which immigrant workers will be massively extradited to their countries of origin.
Covid-19
Finally, and if it’s even possible, the most applauded measure: President Trump has banned Covid-19 virus from entering any US territory under penalty of death.
Coming to an end, the President wanted to deny that the untested medication he has been taking to prevent Covid-19 caused the change from his, by now, famous orange skin tone to «intense red», as well as the similarity of his features with those of a skull.
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
“Those rumors are FALSE. And stupid! Skulls have no facial features! «
The Dark Times 